Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later