well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
