pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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