im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
