This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
