Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
