I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
