this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
