Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
