You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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