I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
