I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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