Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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