Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
