It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
