yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
