I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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