i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
