yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im six kinds of drunk right now
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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