just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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