please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It was like getting head from an anaconda
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
