So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
where are you?
Hypothermia
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
