you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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