I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
