So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
