remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
