i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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