Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
