Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can feel your judgement through the phone
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
