You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
