we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
