i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
