Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
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If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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