Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
