Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
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