Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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