I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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