Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
