I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Your cock deserves a montage
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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