tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
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Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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