i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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