Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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