im drinking this country out of the recession.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
