I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
