I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
