Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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