I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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