Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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