the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
