My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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