just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
