another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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