So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
