life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
